I have been on hiatus for quite some time. I have a very valid reason for doing so, my beloved dog passed away. Her name is Lucky and I love her so very much. It has been extremely challenging dealing with the loss. I found myself baffled at my reaction in regards to her departure from her physical body. I had already dealt with the loss of people throughout my life. I was no stranger to death, yet this particular soul captivated me in ways that I did not know was possible. Some might say, she was just a dog, but for me, she was so much more.
COMPANION
She didn’t talk much, but she was always there. Lucky made her presence known by scratching on the door. She’d watch me wash the dishes as if I was painting a masterpiece. She didn’t give me much room to move as her cuddles limited my moments. She was always there, I wish she was still there. I grew accustomed to never being alone, she followed me to every room. I lived with my own personal stalker and never once considered getting a restraining order. She groomed me to accept her ways. She had no regard for personal space, she even insisted on sitting underneath my legs when I would use the restroom. I guess it was somewhat of a co-dependent relationship. Now I don’t know how to function without her. The rooms feel lonely now. The air is quiet. I didn’t take her for granted, but I did take for granted how a little soul uplifted the atmosphere, the space in a home. It’s so different without her now, she was my teddy bear when I would sleep, she provided hugs when I needed physical contact. I had no idea the relief she provided, I was accustomed to it, spoiled even. She added so much to my life. I feel as if I’ve lost a puzzle piece and I’m now trying to jam in another piece that simply won’t fit.
FRIEND
Lucky’s body and warmth added to my physical world, filling a void that I’ve so desperately tried to deny. Unbeknownst to me, she also turned out to be a wonderful friend. Sure she didn’t understand all the in-depth conversations I had with her, but she certainly tried her best. Or who knows, maybe she did understand me. She would look at me with those big, brown eyes and tilt her head, making me feel as if she knew exactly what I was saying. She might not have known what I was saying, but she could certainly and swiftly figure out what I was feeling. She would mimic my feelings. Lucky would jump around when I was happy, she would get sad when I was sad. She wanted to be involved and show me that she was there, not only physically, but emotionally. Does this sound like a bit of a stretch, perhaps, but it is truly wild when you explore the possibility, if an animal is really understanding you. You begin to question your sanity,
“Am I nuts? Do I need more friends? Yes, I do, but, that’s beside the point.”
I would love to say that Lucky was exceptional, and that she truly got me, but I am fully aware that most dogs have these tendencies and I am so forever grateful that they do. I must say, when my non-furry friends were too busy to talk and instead resort to sending me the standard text back, Lucky was there. Maybe she didn’t have a choice in the matter and had to listen to my neurotic stories, but I’d like to believe that she enjoyed our talks. She could of walked away, but for the most part, she’d stare intently and lift her eyebrows as I talked, you know, really engrossed in the conversation. I hope dogs never learn how to text, how crushing would that be, they’ll get addicted to their phones, not wanna play catch anymore, always playing Candy Crush, not return your calls. What I can say about Lucky with complete and utter certainly is that she was truly my BFF.
FAMILY
I don’t have a big family, so I’ve had to make my family. Friends for the most part have become sisters, brothers, confidants, support systems. So clearly it’s already been established, blood relatives aren’t the only definition of family. I am only reiterating what we all already know. The reason being is because I can now truly more than ever understand that sentiment. Lucky is and always will be my family. She protected me fiercely and loved me just the same. I raised her, I taught her, I adored her. She reciprocated all that and more. Lucky to me is the definition of family. It’s pretty obvious that a pet is an integral part of a family and I am so fortunate that she was a part of mine. Life can be joyous, difficult, cruel, unjust, happy, lovely, sad. The list of adjectives is endless. How delightful and spectacular that God provided us with animals to join us on this thing called life. How precious are pets? They are immune to the materialism of man. Their only concern is food, water and love from their owner. The only vices they appear to have are the occasional pig’s ear or their scared, special time with their stuffed animal or whatever leg they may find available.
I’m struggling with my new normal. Quiet mornings, no more evening cuddles, no more belly rubs. I know, I know, get a new dog they say. I will. Not yet. I’m not ready. For now, this is where I am. I frankly don’t have an ending for this. I am fully aware that this chapter of my life is over, but I am not quite ready to turn the page yet, so…